The Daily Adventures of Maynard

Being retired is a good thing, but not as relaxing or even boring for me as one might think. I have a good size flock of birds to monitor, the occasional tragedy to get over, and writing to complete. I also have to keep improving my health. This means exercise and measuring what I eat. So I guess it’s not unusual for me to think how nice life could be if I were an Amazon parrot. A really spoiled, much loved parrot. Here’s his daily schedule.

5:30 AM. Growl at person who comes into office and turns on lights. Could be Mom. Could be a complete stranger.

6:00 AM. Take toast from That Man. Maybe eat it. Maybe drop it on the cage floor. Threaten him either way.

6:03 AM If toast dropped, complain loudly about being hungry.

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6:04 AM. Take whatever treat Mom gives me. Eat it and then go back to sleep.

6:30 AM. Mom leaves the room with That Man. Panic and scream for her in case she goes away forever with him.

6:32 AM Mom comes back. All is well. Complain a little because she is paying attention to another bird. Go back to sleep.

7:00 AM. Mom is pulling water dishes to clean and refill. That means she will be leaving. As soon as she leaves the room, start calling for her.

7:30 AM. Mom has left me alone! Panic! Complain! Call for her!

7:33 AM. She can’t hear me. Go back to sleep.

10:00 AM. Mom came back! Start calling for her as soon as I hear her car.

10:03 AM. One of those evil furry things came in with her. Panic! Hiss! Threaten! Until Mom lets it out again.

10:20 AM. Other birds are allowed out of the cages. But Mom is in the office, by me, at her machine. So it’s okay. Go back to sleep.

11:00 AM. Mom is in the kitchen! She’s cutting up an apple! She puts a little peanut butter on the apple slice and puts it in my bowl. Eat most of it. Go back to sleep.

12:30 PM. Birds go back in their cages. Mom cuts up vegetables and fruits and puts them in dishes in our cages.

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1:00 PM. I get to go out of my cage! Mom puts up a barricade so I can’t go to That Man’s desk. She opens the linen cupboard doors so I don’t chew on them to get them open. She barricades the bedroom door. I climb up to the top of my cage and call for her.

1:10 PM. She’s cleaning up the kitchen. I go under the cabinet where lots of cardboard boxes are stashed. I chew up everything in sight.

1:30 PM. It’s quiet. The kitchen light is out. Call for Mom, run down the hallway to find her. She’s in the bathroom. Try to open the cupboard under the sink. It would be the perfect place to nest.

1:40 PM. The dreaded vacuum cleaner/broom/mop/duster is being used! Attack! Threaten! Run away!

1:45 PM. Check out the floor under Mom’s desk. It would be the perfect place to nest.

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2:30 PM. Mom is sitting in her chair in the living room, staring at the small machine. Climb up on the place she puts her feet and find my toys. Chew relentlessly for an hour.

3:30 PM. Walk up Mom’s leg and get her to pet me. Play rough with her for a while. Go sit on the back of the chair. Look for the perfect place to nest. Ignore other birds.

4:30 PM. The small machine made a noise! Mom gets up and takes me into the bedroom. Attack the shoes! ATTACK ALL THE SHOES!

4:37 PM. The water place is working. Mom puts me on the chair and lets me threaten the snake. She puts something in her hair that makes it all white, but it rinses out.

4:50 PM. The water place stops working. Mom puts me on the floor to attack more shoes! But then the towel tries to eat me. Run away!

5:00 PM. Don’t know where Mom is, this other lady with wet hair and strange clothes puts me back in my cage. I am very quiet so she will go away and Mom will come back.

5:15 PM. That Man comes back. The woman who is starting to look like Mom goes to another room. Call for her as loud as I can.

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6:00 PM. Mom is in the kitchen! She is slicing vegetables again.

6:30 PM. Mom gives me some pasta and veggies and some meat. Yum! I throw the veggies out and eat the pasta. Then the meat is cold and I don’t know if I like it.

7:30 PM. Complain because I am hungry. Mom gives me crackers. I eat them, then go to sleep.

8:30 PM. Mom is turning off lights and saying good night to the other birds. That Man has already gone to the kitchen. Should I complain? Should I play with her when she tells me good night? Maybe. But then I go back to sleep.

Thanks for reading, I’ll be back on Sunday.

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