Dear Maynard: How do you convince your human to give you crackers? What is your favorite kind of cracker?
Signed, Polly Parrot
Dear Polly: I know what time of day my human usually gives me a cracker. In the evening, when she has just sat down for her dinner. If she doesn’t remember to give me the cracker, I start screaming. Usually, that does the trick. But it only works at night. Screaming at other times might just get me covered.
My favorite type of cracker is the kind that comes wrapped in invisible paper with two crackers inside. After I rip off the wrapper, I put one cracker in my water dish and eat the other one. Lots of good eating there.
Dear Maynard: I think my companion bird is Jewish. He sings “Hava Nagila” all the time. We are a Christian family. Where can I find kosher bird seed?
Signed, Cagey One
Dear One: Well, birds don’t have penises, so you can’t check to see if he is circumcised. And Hava Nagila is known by Jews and non-Jews alike. Did you know it first was sung in early twentieth century Paris? So maybe your parrot is just French.
Don’t worry so much about the bird seed. Be sure to feed him lots of green, leafy vegetables, a little bit of fruit, and a nice bit of matzo cracker on holy days. Mazel Tov!
Dear Maynard: Do you really talk, or does your human make those noises? I have a budgie and he never learned to talk, even though I talk to him every day. What am I doing wrong?
Signed, Chatty Cathy
Dear Cathy: Yes, I really talk. My human tries to make my noises, but she is way off in tone and pitch. She also doesn’t have iridescent feathers, which I use to punctuate my speech.
Look closely at the nares of your budgie. That’s the top part of the beak, where two small nasal openings can be seen. If the nare is brown or beige, your budgie is a girl. Most girls are not going to talk. They are more interested in nesting and flirting and having eggs. Boys have a blue nare, and will talk and bob and dance more than girls. The record holder for the biggest vocabulary is a beautiful budgie named Disco.
Well, that’s all the virtual mail we have today. Thanks for reading, I’ll be back on Sunday.