Ready to spend Christmas Day outside, counting everything with wings? The Audubon Society would really like for you to join in this all-volunteer event in your area. And there are lots of things to look at to get in the mood and prepare to be a part of history. This will be the 119th Bird Count, and every year this event becomes more important. More and more birds are endangered by a complicated mix of climate change, habitat destruction, and pollution impacts.
One might think it would be hard to find any of this humorous. Well, I’d like to introduce myself, I don’t think there are too many situations that don’t improve with a laugh, a joke, and a smile. So if you are absolutely too stodgy to enjoy this, catch me next Sunday. Otherwise, here’s my silliness for the end of the year.
You see, I play a game where I have to click on the objects in a room or a place and find all of them within a time limit. One of the things that comes up is a bird called a Blue Tit. Now, that small bird hangs out in the UK more than the US so it won’t show up on the bird counts. However, my brain says, Chilled Nipples would be as good a name as any.
We’re now off on a run to find better names for some common birds. Using this list from Wikipedia of birds of California, I’m thinking the Hoary Redpoll could be called Jorge the Red. The Wandering Tattler is almost a perfect name, but perhaps reality star or gossip columnist makes things clearer. Bullock’s Oriel could simply be ball bird. A Sharp-tailed Grouse would be better as the knife bird.
Could we start calling the California Condor a Condo Dweller? Or the state bird a Quaily-quaily-quaily? (Terry Pratchett fans should get that one) A small sea duck, the Harlequin could be called Romance Novel duck. The Greater Roadrunner would be the Beep-Beep bird, of course. Rivoli’s Hummingbird might be remembered better as Ravioli’s Hummer. The Lesser Sand Plover would feel better as the Tries Harder Sand Plover.
Tufted Puffin sounds like a smoker who needs to quit. Better to call it the Opus bird. The Elegant Tern perhaps is the Ballet Dancer Tern. That’s one good tern and it deserves another. The Sandwich Tern perhaps would be the Subway Tern. How very confusing. A Common Loon these days could be a Republican.
The Barred Owl might be the Not Allowed In Here Owl. The Prairie Falcon is easier to remember as the Half-Pint Falcon. The Fork-tailed Flycatcher is totally the Show Off Bird. And the Canada Jay is the Illegal Immigrant Jay. The Cliff Swallows deserve to be called the Friar Birds for their loyalty to the mission in San Juan Capistrano.
Really, the bushtit needs to be called the Porn Star bird. And the Lark Sparrow should make up its mind. Is it a lark or a sparrow? The Baltimore Oriel is either the Baseball Team bird or the Hummingbird Nectar Thief. The Red-faced Warbler will NOT be called the Operatic Soprano Bird. And how could you give such a cute little songbird a name like Dickcissel?
The Mourning Dove should now be the Get Over It Already Dove. The Rock Dove we all call a pigeon is really a Rat with Wings. All of the Albatross Birds need to be called Python Snacks or Bloody Bird Flavored. All Pelicans should be called Belly Can birds. And all Egrets are now Regrets. Stands to reason. Or to do anything else, I should think.
Thanks for reading this silliness. I hope you have a wonderful Holiday, go help with the bird count, and come back here next Sunday.